Walls

So I have commitment problems.  Don't get me wrong, I love people.  I love hearing about other people's lives and giving advice and seeing how other people think and feel.  I just don't like telling other's about my life... like pretty personal life.  I guess I feel it is my business, so when I am ready to tell you my business, then I will.  Not on your time table, but mine.  It's kind of a big deal when I sit down and tell someone about my life.  About boys, senior year, weaknesses, failures, fears.  And if I tell you about like every little detail in my life, it also means I trust you.  So if you're lucky enough, you hear about the deep stuff and the silly trivial things in my life.  When I'm finally comfortable, I like letting down my walls and telling people how I truly feel.  It's like a relief to share a part of me with someone else.  My worries and problems always come after.  I'm not worried someone will betray me or go telling all my deep dark secrets (because I have sooo many)....  Rather I'm afraid I'll lose you.  I'm afraid that we'll grow apart.  That in the future we won't talk.  Something will come up and our openness... that ability to just talk about anything... will be gone.  It's at this point in my friendships, when it would be easier to close up.  To not let someone in any farther.  To refuse to get any closer.  Where I build up that wall that we tore down together.   But today I'm tired.  I'm so tired of building and tearing and building again.  I'm tired of holding back.  Today, I'm taking a chance.  I'm letting that brick wall stay down.  I'm making the decision to keep those pieces just as they are- pieces.  No more rebuilding for me. No more keeping it all in.  No more playing it safe.  I just pray that you don't make me regret it.